On June 19, Gabriel turned one. Steve's step dad came that day from Korea, along with his brother in law Carl. They stayed with us a couple days, and then my parents came down Saturday, and Steve's dad, step-mom, grandma, and my sister and her family came on Sunday for the big party. It was neat that Steve got to have all of his dads here on Father's Day. Gabriel did really well considering all the people that were in his house. Cry therapy was rougher, but that's the only place where we saw a difference.
On Friday, June 26th, Gabriel clapped for the first time on his own. He's been enjoying giving us high fives, but worked with him a bit and he figured out how to clap his hands. He also loves going in the pool. Not like he has been smiles in the pool (he does a times), but mention the word and he smiles, and when we get out there he tries to dive in.
Last week was survivable with Gabriel, and Saturday was absolutely wonderful. He looked us in the eyes, smiled and laughed. We also got a full nights sleep the night before and that night. What a blessing.
Unfortunately today was hellish. Gabriel fell asleep on my back in the carrier while we were at tennis lessons. I just kept him there when we got home, and he woke after a short nap and refused to go back to sleep or calm down. After about 1/2 hour, I finally took him out and held him. He screamed for the next hour, before and after feeding. He proceeded to scream and refused to look at me any time he was in my arms the rest of the day. The only time he wasn't screaming was his 1 hour and 15 minute nap. At one point in the afternoon he fell asleep in my arms exhausted from screaming. He refused to look me in the eye. He would squint his eyes open enough to see if I was still there, and when he saw me, he would scream harder. Feeling the love. Actually feeling a little PTSD.
Looking forward to the First Steps evaluation this week. I'm hoping they can help us with his problem with eating. We are tired of seeing throw up at the dinner table.
I wish I were a better follower of Christ. The thoughts that run through my head are not godly, but I'm trying to trust in Him, and gain my strength and peace from Him. We've had a few exchanges lately. A woman I know who spoke at our church this Sunday and has been to hell and back said that sometimes God stretches you farther than you can handle so you can learn to rely on Him. My rubber band broke. In several places.
Ok, I'll end on an odd note: we got a package in the mail from Bethany Christian Services last week. In it was a nice looking little jewelry box for Gabriel. I opened it up excited to see what was inside. It was what was left of his umbilical cord! Ew!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Extra Crispy
This week has absolutely been the hardest week emotionally, and starting to be physically. The cry therapy we do with Gabriel after each bottle consists of sometimes tolerance and sometimes crying. He stopped falling asleep on his own for naps, and is needing to be rocked if I want to stay somewhat sane and him to sleep. Most of the time it takes 10 minutes, but one time it took 45 minutes, of which 30 minutes was of him screaming. Three times this week he has woke in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder. On Thursday I was pushed to my limits, and on Friday I was pushed to my limits and he scraped for more. I felt like the comic chicken that got it's feathers singed off, and then more fire came and she turned to a bunch of ashes.
Friday I woke up after a bad night of sleep feeling quite dizzy. I was also feeling pretty tired from dealing with Gabriel the day before, and nauseated. At Gabes first nap he was just falling asleep in my arms so I put him in bed. He cried for an hour, with me going in every 15 minutes to make sure he was ok and putting him back on his belly. He never went to sleep, and that's what I needed most. It just went downhill from there. My actions Friday were pretty bad, and I'm sure have set me back even farther with Gabe, and possibly the girls too. I put too much responsibility on Addison in watching him while I vented and cried. I yelled at God for putting me through this. Real, and real ugly. After my second breakdown of the day, I called Steve home. Beyond, "I need you to come home," I think all he heard was a bunch of blubbering. By the time he got home, we were outside, and besides comepletely exhausted, we were all fine. I am still sore today from how exhausted I was.
Praise God that He forgives my shameful words and fits. And praise Him for some much needed sleep last night, and a weekend to hopefully recooperate. This is so much harder than I thought it would be at this point, and I feel like I just did something, or many things wrong. But I also know that even if I was perfect, he might still be acting the same way. I just don't know why we are getting so much worse at this point. And why didn't we hear of others having these issues? Is there light at the end of the tunnel, or will my biggest fear be realized, and he will never attach to our family? Will we have another version of my brother? I can only trust in God that he is doing a mighty work, that we know that He called us to adopt, and He will see us through and supply us with all our needs.
Friday I woke up after a bad night of sleep feeling quite dizzy. I was also feeling pretty tired from dealing with Gabriel the day before, and nauseated. At Gabes first nap he was just falling asleep in my arms so I put him in bed. He cried for an hour, with me going in every 15 minutes to make sure he was ok and putting him back on his belly. He never went to sleep, and that's what I needed most. It just went downhill from there. My actions Friday were pretty bad, and I'm sure have set me back even farther with Gabe, and possibly the girls too. I put too much responsibility on Addison in watching him while I vented and cried. I yelled at God for putting me through this. Real, and real ugly. After my second breakdown of the day, I called Steve home. Beyond, "I need you to come home," I think all he heard was a bunch of blubbering. By the time he got home, we were outside, and besides comepletely exhausted, we were all fine. I am still sore today from how exhausted I was.
Praise God that He forgives my shameful words and fits. And praise Him for some much needed sleep last night, and a weekend to hopefully recooperate. This is so much harder than I thought it would be at this point, and I feel like I just did something, or many things wrong. But I also know that even if I was perfect, he might still be acting the same way. I just don't know why we are getting so much worse at this point. And why didn't we hear of others having these issues? Is there light at the end of the tunnel, or will my biggest fear be realized, and he will never attach to our family? Will we have another version of my brother? I can only trust in God that he is doing a mighty work, that we know that He called us to adopt, and He will see us through and supply us with all our needs.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
10 Steps backward
After our wonderful visit seeing family and friends over Memorial Day weekend, Gabriel had some aweful days. Much crying, wanting us, and then pushing us away. Eating horribly. Very stressful. When we met with our Social Worker, she advised us to hold him more, even when he is screaming and crying. So now at least 4 times a day we are cradling him while he sometimes screams bloody murder in our face. In the past when we would cradle him and he would scream, we would just set him up or let him play, but I guess that was the wrong thing. It's hard to look at our beautiful baby boy as he screams with his eyes closed, calms and peeks open his eyes to see me, and starts to scream more.
Along with that, we were advised to seek help on things we noticed that were odd. Gabriel will crawl with his hands in fists, and still is unable to eat any solids. If there is the slightest chunk to his food, he will gag and at times spit up or throw up. This got worse after the weekend away. Of course our doc was out for vacation, so I had him seen by another doctor in the office, who basicly referred us to First Steps. I pretty much knew that, but thought we might need to check out some medical issues first. Oh well, we found out his ears were perfectly clear and he is a whopping 18 pounds 10 ounces. Yeah, we have another lightweight. Heavier than Addison at this age though!
Last week Lauren went to the ENT as a follow up on having fluid in her ears that was causing hearing loss. Yup, tubes again. Argh. So last Monday we took her in to get tubes put in both ears. Third time in her life that she has been under. She was an absolute champ. She did so good, I am so proud of her. She even went with the nurse back to surgery without any problems, and came out smiling.
Today Lauren got to see her first movie in the theater--Up. She really enjoyed her date with Daddy. I think Daddy enjoyed it too.
Along with that, we were advised to seek help on things we noticed that were odd. Gabriel will crawl with his hands in fists, and still is unable to eat any solids. If there is the slightest chunk to his food, he will gag and at times spit up or throw up. This got worse after the weekend away. Of course our doc was out for vacation, so I had him seen by another doctor in the office, who basicly referred us to First Steps. I pretty much knew that, but thought we might need to check out some medical issues first. Oh well, we found out his ears were perfectly clear and he is a whopping 18 pounds 10 ounces. Yeah, we have another lightweight. Heavier than Addison at this age though!
Last week Lauren went to the ENT as a follow up on having fluid in her ears that was causing hearing loss. Yup, tubes again. Argh. So last Monday we took her in to get tubes put in both ears. Third time in her life that she has been under. She was an absolute champ. She did so good, I am so proud of her. She even went with the nurse back to surgery without any problems, and came out smiling.
Today Lauren got to see her first movie in the theater--Up. She really enjoyed her date with Daddy. I think Daddy enjoyed it too.
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