This week has absolutely been the hardest week emotionally, and starting to be physically. The cry therapy we do with Gabriel after each bottle consists of sometimes tolerance and sometimes crying. He stopped falling asleep on his own for naps, and is needing to be rocked if I want to stay somewhat sane and him to sleep. Most of the time it takes 10 minutes, but one time it took 45 minutes, of which 30 minutes was of him screaming. Three times this week he has woke in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder. On Thursday I was pushed to my limits, and on Friday I was pushed to my limits and he scraped for more. I felt like the comic chicken that got it's feathers singed off, and then more fire came and she turned to a bunch of ashes.
Friday I woke up after a bad night of sleep feeling quite dizzy. I was also feeling pretty tired from dealing with Gabriel the day before, and nauseated. At Gabes first nap he was just falling asleep in my arms so I put him in bed. He cried for an hour, with me going in every 15 minutes to make sure he was ok and putting him back on his belly. He never went to sleep, and that's what I needed most. It just went downhill from there. My actions Friday were pretty bad, and I'm sure have set me back even farther with Gabe, and possibly the girls too. I put too much responsibility on Addison in watching him while I vented and cried. I yelled at God for putting me through this. Real, and real ugly. After my second breakdown of the day, I called Steve home. Beyond, "I need you to come home," I think all he heard was a bunch of blubbering. By the time he got home, we were outside, and besides comepletely exhausted, we were all fine. I am still sore today from how exhausted I was.
Praise God that He forgives my shameful words and fits. And praise Him for some much needed sleep last night, and a weekend to hopefully recooperate. This is so much harder than I thought it would be at this point, and I feel like I just did something, or many things wrong. But I also know that even if I was perfect, he might still be acting the same way. I just don't know why we are getting so much worse at this point. And why didn't we hear of others having these issues? Is there light at the end of the tunnel, or will my biggest fear be realized, and he will never attach to our family? Will we have another version of my brother? I can only trust in God that he is doing a mighty work, that we know that He called us to adopt, and He will see us through and supply us with all our needs.
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