Walking

Ok, I have to have a seperate post to say that Gabe is a walking man! The Friday that Addison was home sick with the flu, I think October 23rd (there was too much flu for me to remember exactly, bad mom) he took his first two steps. He was walking to Steve at the dinner table. Very slowly, he is gaining his walking abilities. It's been a month, and we are up to 12 steps, but usually 2-5. He will also walk while holding my hand, so we practice twice a day walking Lauren to and from Preschool. Its a very long/slow walk, but it is good practice for him.

Sickness

Wow, has it been awhile, and has it been a long almost 2 months! From the date of our last post, until now, someone in our household has been sick. Gabriel went from getting some virus after the camping weekend, to developing an ear infection, to not seeming to be responding to the antibiotic, to another stronger antibiotic, to an allergic reaction to the second antibiotic, to what was likely H1N1/Swine Flu. He was literally sick and screaming and not sleeping for a month. Addison brought the flu home from school, and was out for 3 days from school. A few weeks later we took her to get the seasonal flu vaccine, which they only had the nasal kind, and she got the flu from that! She was out another 3 days from school. Lauren was next to get the swine flu, but did great, and she did not get sick from the nasal vaccine. I got the flu after Lauren, which was several weeks ago, and I'm just finishing up a second course of antibiotic and steroids to heal the nasty sinus infection it gave me. Somehow, Steve stayed healthy through this all, but did end up taking about 3 days off of work. Now I'm the only one who hasn't had the seasonal flu vaccine, and they are almost out everywhere around here.

With Gabe being sick, he took a sharp nosedive with his attachment. When I was sick with the flu, I would come near him and he would start crying and point to Steve. Yeah. We decided that it was time to start up counseling again, and to try the therapist down the street. It's amazing how different Gabe is from crying at my presence to now. It wasn't the counselor, but he was able to give us insight to what happened. Basically, Gabe felt that I caused his sickness (I see mom, I feel sick, mom made me sick). As he started to get healthy again, his attachment to me grew, so that by my second meeting, which was with the therapist and Gabe, the therapist was able to confirm that Gabe was attached to me, and I believed it too. Steve came home that week and said that he could see the change in relationship between the two of us as well. We were enjoying each other, not just doing what we had to to survive. He also started to sleep through the night again, which does wonders to heal a body, mind and soul.

I know that there will be setbacks with Gabe, it isn't called the "dance of attachment" for nothing. But I feel like we are at the end of the attachment tunnel, looking out into the world of raising children, and all the pitfalls we have ahead with his possible adoption issues. Now that we have a relationship with Gabe, we can start discipline. Discipline is nothing without a relationship. Boy can this boy throw a tantrum!

It is always possible we are just on a peaceful island on this adventure, and just gearing up for the next tsunami! I hope not, but there are no guarantees in life (yes, except death and taxes). And this is what I must wrestle through with God. Why is life so wretched and unrelenting for some believers? Do some of us truly have to just wait our 1-90 years of this torturous life and just wait for the next? Is that our only hope? Should that be enough? Maybe it's just to realize my dependence on Him? Though I felt I was stretched beyond my ability the past few months, I'm still here, and he upheld me through many times. I'll have to wait and see what He is willing to teach me.

*Oops, I forgot to post this!

A Little Fun

One of these days, I'll remember to post some pictures. We have some fun ones. Gabe has enjoyed wearing hats lately, as well as the falling leaves. We are doing ok in the Edwards household. Gabe has continued to show slow growth in his attachment to us. We are having a few "normal" days, and his sleep has continued to go better for naps. Sometimes they are 45 minute naps, but at least he is going down without throwing a big fit. I just pray this continues.

Thanks for praying for Steve's back. He is feeling MUCH better. I think he has become a firm believer in chiripractors.

This weekend is our church group's annual camping trip to Turkey Run State Park. Gabe got a high fever from his shots, and Steve ended up staying home with him Friday, so I could take the girls down friday night. Gabe felt better and they joined us today (Saturday). The kids are having a blast, and are dirtier than ever. It was somewhat disappointing to me, as Addison just wanted to hang out with all the kids, and I wanted to hang out with her and Lauren. But I'm glad they are having a good time. Gabe and I left them so Steve and the girls could enjoy one more night of camping. I may have got the better end of the deal, since it was raining and thundering when I left. Here's to hoping the tent stays dry!

Had our final visit with our Social Worker last week, found out that Gabe hasn't gained all that much weight (but he is near his growth curve), and our adoption finalization is in October! Also was told that Gabe probably doesn't have RAD, but it was likely needed for insurance purposes. I don't know, all we can do is just keep going forward and trying our best with the knowledge we've been given.

Thank you for your continued prayers. They are definitely being heard and felt. Please don't stop!

RAD

I was looking through the paperwork we had from the therapist and noticed that there was a diagnosis code listed. I decided to look it up, thinking I already had, but I guess I hadn't. What was there was Reactive Attachment Disorder. And it just hit me; it was official. Gabriel has Reactive Attachment Disorder, likely one of the biggest fears to come true when you adopt. Of course, then I think, he's not really THAT bad, is he? Or is he? It should be obvious, but just hit me like a load of bricks.

To me, Gabriel's attachment has leveled off, but to Steve Gabe's attachment to me in particular has gained. Except for sleep, the days seem to be more tolerable. He is definitely still showing signs of his sensory issues. I caught him several times today falling over for no reason. This is an issue with his sense of balance. It drove him nuts to be in Lauren's Pre-K class, it was just too much noise and stimulation. We are working on rewriting his goals with OT, as he is pretty much eating table foods with us, but needs work on other areas. He is still not walking.

Sleeping has been horrible the past week. Ironicly, Steve and I hammered out a plan for naps to implement last Friday. When I went to implement it, Gabe fell asleep without a cry. He hasn't done that for a nap for I think a month! The rest of the week I only had to go in one time, otherwise, he fell asleep the first time I laid him down. However, Sunday through Wednesday nights, Gabe woke up multiple times, sometimes every hour or two. The lack of sleep took it's toll, and I ended up with a migraine on Thursday and was beyond exhausted. God graced us with him only waking up at 9:15 Thursday night, but otherwise sleeping through to the morning. I can't tell you how much I needed that.

Lauren started Pre-K this week. She is in a 4 day program that is meant for older children. The teachers are just absolutely wonderful, and we thought she would do well in the class. Lauren is definitely not as socially capable as Addison was at this age, so this will probably be good for her. Though she is an absolute doll to me, she doesn't engage with other kids much. She did not have the benefit of a playgroup like Addison did when she was young. I hope she is able to develop this skill this year. She very much enjoys going to school.

Addison is doing well in school, and will be starting choir and Korean school in the next week. She would like to do Girl Scouts or American Heritage Girls, but that is just too much. We try to stick to just one activity, but it is hard. I'm still hoping the girls can get some swimming lessons in this fall.

If you could please lift up a prayer for Steve, I'd appreciate it. He had complained of his back hurting, but then I watched him wincing getting into his car on Tuesday and told him he needed to do something about it. He made it to a chiropractor on Thursday night, who thinks it is inflamation and will give him treatments over the next week. He even had accupuncture and said that it felt good.

Menatlly, I'm a little better with Gabe not screaming for naps. However one hour off (he naps for one hour) is trying. It makes for a very long day. I have been blessed by a longtime friend whose kids are out of the house who has come over the past couple weeks to watch the kids for a bit in the afternoon so I can get away. This has been quite a blessing not only for me but for the kids as well, since she is so much fun.

Here's to hoping you all have/had a great Labor Day weekend. May you feel God's great love for you.

The Verdict

Thursday was our final visit with the baby whisperer. He backed off of being so confident, and was able to give me several pieces of evidence I why he felt Gabriel had experienced something. Gabriel may or may not have, but there are several reasons to make it believable now. The good news is that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. He just encouraged more holding and touching, and recommended a book. He felt that things could get better with our continued focus on holding and touching, or Gabe could take a nose dive and we'd need therapy. Ironically, though he and the therapist at Bethany were trained in the same form of therapy, he doesn't start until they are 2, and she starts right away. But she is not available.

Steve and I felt very good after leaving his office, but after talking with our social worker, now I don't feel as secure. Steve and I both are uncertain as to where we go from here with therapy. Do we wait and give things a chance? Do we see the guy down the road now or later if things are going well?

Naps continue to be a source of stress and exhaustion, both physically and mentally. He is now fighting the one afternoon nap. We are trying to go with the therapist recommendation, and checking on him at 5, 10, 20 minutes, but he will scream or sit quietly for the hour. He absolutely fights sleep with all of his being.

Thank you Lord that we are seeing signs of attachment. Please pray that sleeping will become peaceful and full for Gabriel and for us.

Happy Birthdy to us, edited version

Steve and I had good birthdays, including going to the waterpark with the kids, going on a date by ourselves to see Jeremy Camp and Mercy Me in concert, and a Korean feast of food.

Gabriel is starting to show signs of attachment. Must be all those prayers going up for us. He is looking into my eyes for much longer periods, wanting to be on or near me most of the time, and crying when we are not present. We had him in his Sunday school class for the first time by himself this past Sunday, and he made it 15 minutes. It's good because he is showing signs of attachment to us. Gabriel is eating table foods with us! I can't say that he is chewing them, but he is taking them and moving them in his mouth and swallowing. He's not gagging or throwing up. Still not walking, but he is cruising along the furniture.

Sleeping is getting worse. He has been waking up earlier and earlier each day, and taking shorter and shorter naps. I have tried everything that I was told and then not told to do. He refused to sleep. I've come to conclusion that he is strong-willed. If anyone has any hints that help with strong willed children, please let me know.

I wish I could say I'm handling things better, but I'm not. I'm becoming angry and venting it his way.

Happy Birthday to us

Almost two weeks ago was my 36 birthday. Man am I getting old. It was a blessed day, thank you Lord. Steve took the day off, we all went to Tropicanoe Cove and played in the water, Gabriel only took one nap so he didn't fight the sleep, the girls and I painted our toenails, and we went out to eat at Olive Garden. The next day Gabriel refused to take a morning nap despite being almost asleep when I put him in bed, and me trying everything calming/adoption friendly, to not adoption friendly. One hour and 15 minutes later, I was bawling, Addison was crying and my mom came. I got advice from a therapist that not co-sleeping was "ok" (not the best), and to try the 5 minute, 10 minute check, unless he's screaming and then try sitting outside his door. She also said to try to go to one nap.

The rest of the week was a birthday present to me and Steve. I never had to cook the rest of that week, between going out and leftovers. That was nice! Also, Steve and I went out for the first time on our own, while my mom watched all the kiddos. He took me to Odobo in Indy and to see Mercy Me and Jeremy Camp (whom we saw at the restaurant) at the State Fair. Except for throwing up and taking a bit to sleep, Gabriel did great. Last Saturday was Steve's 35th birthday, and I was busy doing things for him like fixing scrambled eggs, mowing the lawn, baking a carrot cake, and making Bulgogi and Chop Chae. It was a wonderful Korean feast.

The good news is that Gabriel is starting to show signs of attachment. Must be all those prayers going up for us. He is looking into my eyes for much longer periods, wanting to be on or near me most of the time, and crying when we are not present. We had him in his Sunday school class for the first time by himself (past 3-4 we stayed with him) for the first time this past Sunday, and he made it 15 minutes. It's good because he is showing signs of attachment to us. Might mean I won't be able to be in MOPS this semester though.

Another plus is that Gabriel is eating table foods with us! I can't say that he is chewing them, but he is taking them and moving them in his mouth and swallowing. He's not gagging or throwing up. Still not walking, but he is cruising along the furniture.

Sleeping is getting worse. He has been waking up earlier and earlier each day, and taking shorter and shorter naps. He went to bed at 7:45 last night, woke about 6:15, and took 1/2 hour nap one day. Again, I tried everything that I was told and then not told to do. He refused to sleep. Although he wasn't crying when I sat outside his room. He just wasn't sleeping, and eventually it became a game. I put him in "baby time out" by putting him on my back in the carrier the rest of the day. You'd think he would be exhausted and fall asleep. Nope. I've come to conclusion after talking to a couple moms of strong willed children that this is what he is. I thought Addison was strong willed. He puts Addison to shame. Oh, what more fun we have to look forward to. If anyone has any hints that help with strong willed children, please let me know.

I wish I could say I'm handling things better, but I'm not. I'm becoming angry and venting it his way. Calling him "Mr. Fussy-pants" is one of my milder statements. "Pain in the ***" was the statement today. As Steve said last night, I wish we could be adoption advocates, but we can't. And if our Social Worker who is very pro-adoption is saying she's done adopting after struggling with her child, then we aren't so bad.

Ok, this has been setting here a week, I better get it posted.

The Decision

After much prayer and consideration, and a wonderful talk with another mom who has been there, done that, we decided to go with the really expensive guy. Steve just kept saying he wants to get it right the first time. Well, this guy is supposedly well known and highly respected. And his initial 3 evaluations were within reason, and he doesn't do any therapy with children until they are 2. So we can go to the "baby whisperer" as I like to think of him, and hear what Gabriel is trying to tell us.

Our first visit happened quickly, thanks to Steve's work being flexible with his hours so we can help our family heal. I would love to say that it was magical, but it wasn't. Almost 1-1/2 hours to get there, Steve was late due to faulty internet directions, and some of the things the therapist stated didn't sit well with me. They didn't make sense to me, and I will have to get some of these issues clarified. Most of what he said made sense and I believe. I don't want to go into detail at this point. But we'll go back in a couple weeks and he will videotape us interacting with him, and then another appointment he'll give us our assessment and suggestions on how to help him with these issues.

In the meantime, Steve and I continue to see progress, but there is still a long road ahead. Rarely he sleeps well at night. Most of the time, he moans at some point during the night. Ocassionally he really cries and needs comforted, which so far has been Steve as I just don't have it in me by that time. Naps are completely unpredictable. I had over a week of putting him in bed without too much fuss, and then yesterday he screamed during his morning nap and I had to hold and rock him for that nap. When not in our arms, Gabriel has increased his eye contact with us. He has also shown some resistance to Heather's leaving his presense in the past week (that's a good thing).

God has shown me I (Heather) need to change a lot of my mindset. He has used scripture in many ways, or fellow Christians, to help me alter my thinking. I have to give up every ounce of my day. If Gabe naps well, that is a blessing that I can then spend time with the girls, have quiet time, or get something done. If he doesn't, I will need to hold him through it, which means I'm out of commission for 1/2 hour to 1-1/2 hours. I have to prepare the girls for what to do when I have to hold him. Through our Social Worker, she stated that we are doing "therapuetic parenting." It's not the average parenting, and the trauma that he has gone through will take some work to heal. Through scripture, one example is of yesterday's devotional on the good Samaritan. God showed me that Gabe is the beaten up man on the side of the road. No, I would not have chosen to have a special needs child, but that wasn't my decision but God's. Now I need to be the compassionate Samaritan. I spoke with a Christian women yesterday who does attachment parenting with her children. For her, it was how God was her parent when she first became a Christian. First He would always answer her, then after growing more in the faith, He didn't always answer, but she knew he was there. So she is co-sleeping and being very present for her infant, and starting to losen the closeness with her older child.

I have had a couple offers of help, and heard that some others have wanted to know how they can help us. Obviously, prayer is needed and felt. I could not do this on my own, as I have tried. I can only get through each day with the assistance of the Holy Spirit. Beyond that, I have had trouble coming up with what others could do. Part of that is due to guilt (How many other mom's of 3 get help? What if I am having a good day and am doing ok?), part of that is out of pride (I'd much rather be the one doing the helping), part of that is out of ignorance (I really don't know what would help). I feel like I can handle meals, and I really don't savor the idea of someone cleaning my house. But what could be helpful is someone occasionally watching the kiddos while I cooked or cleaned or shopped. Or inviting the girls to do something, so they are not always stuck without fun or without mom. Or inviting me out in the evening to get away while Steve is home to watch the kids. Just calling or e-mailing is good too. I'm still trying to think on this.

Thanks to you who read this and pray for us. Many blessings to you. There are so many more people out there hurting more than us. Thanks for taking the time to think of us.

Life's like a box of chocolates

So Gabe qualifies for First Steps for fine motor skills and speech. Speech, there's a surprise. Anyways, OT who evaluated him and OT who will be doing his therapy both think that he has some sensory issues that can be helped. He did good with his first session today.

Though we are seeing progress with Gabriel, unfortunately the bad days are getter harder and worse. All the time and energy we have invested seem to be going nowhere. Which leads to our frustration, then his frustration, and the snowball effect. About two weeks ago he stopped wanting to nap well. It has been a fight everyday for his naps. Sometimes he will only fuss, and then wake up early. Many other times he is screaming his bloody head off and refuses to go to sleep, unless I pick him up and hold him (probably sometimes not even then). We were informed that we needed to seek therapy for him. Yup, it's official. We are not the typical adoption situation we were familiar with. No wonder it's seemed harder. And yesterday I found out that the total cost of the therapy he needs with one guy will be $5,000-10,000! Same day he screamed for his naps, same day Addison broke down, saying she misses spending time with me. Same day I broke down (among many) trying to figure out how we can afford that. God provided my lot in Shipshe to be sold for us to afford his adoption, but that has mostly been spent. Oh, and same night that he decided to scream out when being put to bed at night, which he hasn't done since we started sleep training. Luckily I was able to call a friend and bawl on her shoulder through the phone.

Today I found out that we can get therapy through someone else at Bethany, of which they charge $100/hour, instead of the $174/hour that Mr. Wonderful charges. I also found out that we might be able to get state assistance for it, and that there is someone in West Lafayette that has studied attachment and has a private practice. Not sure about that, but I need to look into it. I'm willing to pay some for services, but $10,000? And we still haven't paid for Lauren's ears, and Steve's car has over 160,000 miles on it. And has anyone noticed the job market? Steve's job should be secure, but there are no guarantees in life, and we've been through that before.

Praise the Lord that Gabriel was able to sleep through the night last night. Praise the Lord that Gabriel napped easily and well today. He did cry out again tonight, but Steve was able to go back in and calm him down. Never know what tonight or tomorrow will bring. You know, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get.

Happy 4th of July

We were watching the fourth of July festivities in DC on TV, when Aretha Franklin came on to sing. They announced her as the "Queen of Soul." Addison said, "is she the Queen in Korea?" She knew of Seoul, but not Soul.

We had a good assessment from First Steps, more will come on this later as we get more information and education.

Happy Birthday

On June 19, Gabriel turned one. Steve's step dad came that day from Korea, along with his brother in law Carl. They stayed with us a couple days, and then my parents came down Saturday, and Steve's dad, step-mom, grandma, and my sister and her family came on Sunday for the big party. It was neat that Steve got to have all of his dads here on Father's Day. Gabriel did really well considering all the people that were in his house. Cry therapy was rougher, but that's the only place where we saw a difference.

On Friday, June 26th, Gabriel clapped for the first time on his own. He's been enjoying giving us high fives, but worked with him a bit and he figured out how to clap his hands. He also loves going in the pool. Not like he has been smiles in the pool (he does a times), but mention the word and he smiles, and when we get out there he tries to dive in.

Last week was survivable with Gabriel, and Saturday was absolutely wonderful. He looked us in the eyes, smiled and laughed. We also got a full nights sleep the night before and that night. What a blessing.

Unfortunately today was hellish. Gabriel fell asleep on my back in the carrier while we were at tennis lessons. I just kept him there when we got home, and he woke after a short nap and refused to go back to sleep or calm down. After about 1/2 hour, I finally took him out and held him. He screamed for the next hour, before and after feeding. He proceeded to scream and refused to look at me any time he was in my arms the rest of the day. The only time he wasn't screaming was his 1 hour and 15 minute nap. At one point in the afternoon he fell asleep in my arms exhausted from screaming. He refused to look me in the eye. He would squint his eyes open enough to see if I was still there, and when he saw me, he would scream harder. Feeling the love. Actually feeling a little PTSD.

Looking forward to the First Steps evaluation this week. I'm hoping they can help us with his problem with eating. We are tired of seeing throw up at the dinner table.

I wish I were a better follower of Christ. The thoughts that run through my head are not godly, but I'm trying to trust in Him, and gain my strength and peace from Him. We've had a few exchanges lately. A woman I know who spoke at our church this Sunday and has been to hell and back said that sometimes God stretches you farther than you can handle so you can learn to rely on Him. My rubber band broke. In several places.

Ok, I'll end on an odd note: we got a package in the mail from Bethany Christian Services last week. In it was a nice looking little jewelry box for Gabriel. I opened it up excited to see what was inside. It was what was left of his umbilical cord! Ew!

Extra Crispy

This week has absolutely been the hardest week emotionally, and starting to be physically. The cry therapy we do with Gabriel after each bottle consists of sometimes tolerance and sometimes crying. He stopped falling asleep on his own for naps, and is needing to be rocked if I want to stay somewhat sane and him to sleep. Most of the time it takes 10 minutes, but one time it took 45 minutes, of which 30 minutes was of him screaming. Three times this week he has woke in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder. On Thursday I was pushed to my limits, and on Friday I was pushed to my limits and he scraped for more. I felt like the comic chicken that got it's feathers singed off, and then more fire came and she turned to a bunch of ashes.

Friday I woke up after a bad night of sleep feeling quite dizzy. I was also feeling pretty tired from dealing with Gabriel the day before, and nauseated. At Gabes first nap he was just falling asleep in my arms so I put him in bed. He cried for an hour, with me going in every 15 minutes to make sure he was ok and putting him back on his belly. He never went to sleep, and that's what I needed most. It just went downhill from there. My actions Friday were pretty bad, and I'm sure have set me back even farther with Gabe, and possibly the girls too. I put too much responsibility on Addison in watching him while I vented and cried. I yelled at God for putting me through this. Real, and real ugly. After my second breakdown of the day, I called Steve home. Beyond, "I need you to come home," I think all he heard was a bunch of blubbering. By the time he got home, we were outside, and besides comepletely exhausted, we were all fine. I am still sore today from how exhausted I was.

Praise God that He forgives my shameful words and fits. And praise Him for some much needed sleep last night, and a weekend to hopefully recooperate. This is so much harder than I thought it would be at this point, and I feel like I just did something, or many things wrong. But I also know that even if I was perfect, he might still be acting the same way. I just don't know why we are getting so much worse at this point. And why didn't we hear of others having these issues? Is there light at the end of the tunnel, or will my biggest fear be realized, and he will never attach to our family? Will we have another version of my brother? I can only trust in God that he is doing a mighty work, that we know that He called us to adopt, and He will see us through and supply us with all our needs.

10 Steps backward

After our wonderful visit seeing family and friends over Memorial Day weekend, Gabriel had some aweful days. Much crying, wanting us, and then pushing us away. Eating horribly. Very stressful. When we met with our Social Worker, she advised us to hold him more, even when he is screaming and crying. So now at least 4 times a day we are cradling him while he sometimes screams bloody murder in our face. In the past when we would cradle him and he would scream, we would just set him up or let him play, but I guess that was the wrong thing. It's hard to look at our beautiful baby boy as he screams with his eyes closed, calms and peeks open his eyes to see me, and starts to scream more.

Along with that, we were advised to seek help on things we noticed that were odd. Gabriel will crawl with his hands in fists, and still is unable to eat any solids. If there is the slightest chunk to his food, he will gag and at times spit up or throw up. This got worse after the weekend away. Of course our doc was out for vacation, so I had him seen by another doctor in the office, who basicly referred us to First Steps. I pretty much knew that, but thought we might need to check out some medical issues first. Oh well, we found out his ears were perfectly clear and he is a whopping 18 pounds 10 ounces. Yeah, we have another lightweight. Heavier than Addison at this age though!

Last week Lauren went to the ENT as a follow up on having fluid in her ears that was causing hearing loss. Yup, tubes again. Argh. So last Monday we took her in to get tubes put in both ears. Third time in her life that she has been under. She was an absolute champ. She did so good, I am so proud of her. She even went with the nurse back to surgery without any problems, and came out smiling.

Today Lauren got to see her first movie in the theater--Up. She really enjoyed her date with Daddy. I think Daddy enjoyed it too.

What did you say?

We found out Tuesday that Lauren will have to have ear tubes put in again. Sigh. She was doing good before, but the doctor found fluid behind her ears at her appointment in March, and still there in April. A hearing test confirmed that she has some hearing loss in her right ear, and the left ear was starting to drain. It also could tell that the hearing loss was due to the fluid, and she would be fine once that was taken care of. So, Monday morning we will head off to get tubes placed. The third time this poor child has been under anesthesia!

Gabriel did get to meet his great-grandma, who loved him to death, and his Aunt Rei, Uncle Steve and cousins Toni and Amber and their significant others, and some good family friends. It was a good visit, and Steve and I actually got to go out! We put Gabriel to bed and went to see Night at the Museum. It was nice to get away. Unfortunately, Gabriel has not transitioned back home very well at all. He has been quite fussy, and threw a few temper tantrums, as far as we can tell. Today he has decided to skip his morning nap. Here's to hoping that he takes a long afternoon nap (knowing Gabriel, that is unlikely).

We are looking forward to seeing our social working from Bethany this weekend, seeing some friend we met through Bethany Christian Services, and a send off picnic to a family from our church that is moving on. And Grandma and Grandpa Prough arrive on Sunday night to help out during Lauren's surgery. We also are looking forward to Harabodgy (Korean Grandpa) coming next month for a visit. We'd love to see Halmoni (Korean Grandma) too, but the trip is too hard for her to take.

Here are some pictures.

We'll laugh about this later

So we put Gabe to bed last night, and being it is finally hot in Indiana, we left the blanket sleeper/sack off of him. He screamed for quite a while, so I went in to see if anything was wrong (he's been a bit sick this past week). Nothing was wrong, but he was not happy, and very tired, per the almost closed eyes. So I told him he was ok and left the room. He continued to cry hard, so I went back in and put him in the sleeper. I think he was asleep in 5 minutes. Who would have thought that he would attach himself to the sleeper! Do they make these in toddler size?

We bought the girls a swingset after much searching and trying to find something that wasn't outragously expensive. Reason being is that our old metal swingset that came with the house was crumbling apart. It is going to take us forever to get this thing together. Actually, it is going to take Steve forever to get this thing together. It's just a cheapy from Toys R Us (hard to say that with the price we paid), but hoping it will entertain and last through Gabriel.

Looking forward to Gabriel getting to meet (Lord willing) his great grandma and some other family this weekend that we haven't seen in a very long time. Hope everyone has a wonderful, peaceful, safe Memorial Day weekend.

Happy Mother's Day

Friday was an eventful day, with Steve's car having the starter go out. I missed my hair appointment, but otherwise, it worked out better than if it happened to Steve in Indy. And we still got to head out for the weekend. And, Praise God, the starter was under warrenty, so all we had to pay for was the tow and labor.

Unfortunately, Steve's Grandma, who was SOOOO looking forward to seeing Gabriel, had the flu, and we were not able to see her. We are hoping to go back up for Memorial Day weekend so she can see him. I know she was very disappointed.

The weekend went very well. The girls loved seeing their grandparents so much that they couldn't sleep until 10 both nights. Argh. Gabriel did excellent on the drives and sleeping. He woke just before 6 the first morning, and around 7:30 the second. And we enjoyed some YUPS ice cream and Blue Gate breakfast. Ah.

Gabriel accepted the holding from many family, but it was encouraging to see him look to us when he was held. He did have a hard time sleeping in the middle of the night Sunday, but overall, I think he did such a great job for all he was put through.

Hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day! Thank you Lord for our Mothers.

April showers bring May flowers

Here is a picture of Gabriel with one of his favorite toys, and words: ball


Not to be outdone, a couple weeks ago I was busy talking with a friend (surprise, surprise) and next thing I knew Lauren had (finally) grabbed her big girl bike with training wheels and started riding! Way to go Lauren!


Just a little pic of Mommy and Gabriel. We were trying to get a smile from him.


Hopefully in the next few weeks I can get some more pics, especially since he had his first haircut yesterday. It is so short compaired to what it was! Ok, it was probably close to 2 months since he had one, but still. He cried:( Then I found that he had either a rash on the back of his head, or he scratched it until it started to bleed. I guess we won't be doing frequent haircuts with him.

Sunday, April 19 or 26, he said his first English word for us. He said what sounded like "ball" and "apple." I ran and got a ball and an apple and just kept going over and over with him what they were. We heard them very frequently the first week or more, and he'll still say them throughout the day. The doctor said this would be very early (really questioning if he really was saying it). But I have witnesses. Last Sunday we laughed because during church he clearly said the sound "ah-pah," which is Korean for daddy. Our Korean friends were there and heard it too. So he's said daddy in English and Korean, but what about poor mom?

Well, he does make bubbles by saying "mmmmmah" so I'm working with him to try to say "mma mma." I got a couple today that sounded like mama, so I'm heading in the right direction. I also think I may be getting "kisses." He will come at me with his mouth wide open (and full of slobber), and plant it on my lips (or my cheek if I move fast enough:)). He also leaned into me a couple times that seemed like it may have been the start of a hug.

Last Monday, April 27, Gabriel started crawling on his hands and knees. Before he was doing the Army crawl. Well, now he loves the faster transportation that comes with crawling on his hands and knees, so he is going places!

Oh, and he is sleeping better again. 3 nights of through the night, followed by moaning throughout the night foa a few days, followed by 3 nights of sleeping through the night. After the moaning and drooling like Niagra Falls, I got some homeopathic teething tablets that my sister in law raved about with her son. Seemed to help. Naps are pretty set now, and I even was able to get him to nap in his pack and play this week, preparing for the great visit north to see Great Grandma Bonnie, Grandpa and Grandma Prough, and Grandpa Edwards.

Happy Mother's Day!

Spring

Well, God gave us a wonderful present for Easter. Saturday night after Gabriel went to sleep, we actually heard him wake up and put himself back to sleep! He finally got it! Now it's not like we are sleeping through the night, but it's much better than waking up every hour to hour and a half. Now it's more like 1-2 times a night usually.

After he got the night thing down, the naps went haywire. I saw a change today that I hope is hope for the future.

Gabe is definitely looking in our eyes more and smiling. These are signs of attachement, and we are seeing progress. We know it will take months, but it's good to know we seem to be heading in the right direction.

On Sunday, I was sitting with Gabriel and it sounded like he said "ball" and "apple." I got a ball and an apple from the fridge and kept going over and over with him. Today he would smile when I would say it, and sometimes he would repeat it. Just like two people just starting to learn each others language.

I can't tell you how blessed we have been with meals. Last Friday was our last one, and boy was it the best chicken pot pie I've ever had. Steve said he is having withdrawal already.

Overall the girls are doing well, though Lauren still has her occasional issues, and Addison had a stomach bug this weekend. Addison is like us and just hardly ever throws up, so it really caught us off guard. Poor Steve was stuck at home with them, her puking and Gabriel screaming at the same time. I told him I would have lost it. Instead, he was fine, and Lauren and I played a little at Spring Fest.

I (Heather) appologize for all the whining I have done. We are very blessed, and things could be much worse. I only have to look in our church bulletin to see that. I wish I could be many things, and one of those things would be to look on hard times as a growth opportunity. No, I look on it as hard times, and I want out, now! I also will tell it like it is. I just can't sugarcoat and say we are doing wonderfully and that everything is peaches and cream. Just can't do it, as I feel this would be dishonest. For those of you who wish I would, I just say sorry. I'm just trying to be honest.

Hopefully I can get some pictures up soon. I know some of you have been waiting.

When does it work?

Ok, sleep training is not working so far. He's actually getting up more often! Argh. Now it is almost like clockwork, 45 minutes after he finally cries himself to sleep. Then again around 11:00, 1:00 and 5:00, if we are lucky. Last night there were two more in there. God help us! The only positive note is he is getting himself to sleep in under an hour when we put him to bed.

Smiles, Tears, and other life events

I am definitely seeing more smiles out of Gabriel during the day. He is also making eye contact more with me the past few days. He still pushes me away, and doesn't like to look in my eyes when we are close together, but we are making progress. I like to term it I'm now at babysitter status. In the beginning we were having a fun overnight. Then we got the I hate you stage. Then we got the I'm here stage.

As far as the tears go, we decided on Sunday that we would try to teach Gabriel how to put himself back to sleep on his own starting this weekend. It was not an easy decision, as we have been advised in books and by others not to let him cry. Well, after seeing him scream through several medical procedures (and that's ok), and him getting worse at sleeping at night (waking up every hour to hour and a half until about 1-2 a.m.), we decided we really didn't have a choice. We had done everything we could to help him otherwise. Unfortunately, by Monday night, he forced our hand to do it sooner. Steve put him to bed in the middle of the night completely asleep 4 times, and he woke back up crying each time he was placed in the bed. We are trying to do it in the most comforting way possible, to somehow make it a little better. We are staying in the room with him, doing the "sh" thing, and touching him. Here's to hoping this works. At least he slept from 10:30 last night to 4:00 this morning, and not back up until 7:30. I also got 2 almost 1-1/2 hour naps out of him today, which is completely unheard of. Unfortunately tonight, he only took 1 ounce of milk, and couldn't stay awake past 7:30. Bad start.

It must have been over a month ago, Lauren and I were heading out the garage door, when I didn't realize she had her hand on the door post, and I gently closed the door. However, we had the windows open in the house at the time, and my gentle close turned into a hard slam. She cried, but since we had thick, new door seals recently added, I didn't think anything of it. Until a week ago when I noticed her ring finger nail looked funny. Confirmed at her check up that her nail had died. She has spent the past couple days thoroughly enjoying grossing out her parents with her dangling nail. She especially loves to do this at the dinner table. It finally came off today, thank you Lord!

Birthday and notes

Yesterday was Lauren's 4th birthday. I can't believe she is 4! Most of the morning she struggled to get Mommy's attention and be a big helper. But she quietly loved her party at Chuck E Cheese. Though you couldn't tell from her outward appearance, her prayer that night said that she really enjoyed her party. Happy Birthday, my sweet girl.

Notes:
Gabriel is starting to sleep better (we had a very rough couple nights last week), and recognizes his name. We are going through another transition with him, I think. Noticing less smiles the past couple days, and he has not ate very well the past 24 hours. Not sure if teething may also be the culprit.

Lauren hit her max patience with giving mommy over to Gabriel today. She was ultra slow/disobedient on getting dressed, eating, drinking, doing what I asked her to do, you name it. She then proceeded to dump sand on the floor, get scissors out, and try to play with bubbles indoors, all in the span of about an hour. I tried to get some time in with her after her nap, but she cried out, which woke up Gabe (possibly), which led to very little mommy time. Argh. I really miss her too.

Addison is still totally in love with her little brother. She gets the biggest smiles now. She is just her normal disobedient self.

Addison and I got to go to the Michael W Smith/Steven Curtis Chapman United Tour on Sunday night. She was a big grouch about going, but she just LOVED it. It was so much fun to do that with her. We really needed that time together.

I should be in bed, but at this point I might as well see who gets eliminated on American Idol:)

Goodnight!

Cute

Tonight as I was walking Gabriel in the hallway to get him to sleep, I tripped as Lauren went by. Then I realized that as I paced the hallway, she was pacing with me. Everytime I stopped and turned, she stopped and turned. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. Made my load a little lighter.

We had a great Sunday, then Gabriel woke up 4 times Sunday night. Sigh. He was quiet but good today, but I could tell he missed Addison and Steve. When Addison got home, he fussed more, and when Steve got home, he decided to go on a hunger strike. May be another 4 times up tonight.

I know that God wants us to learn something from each situation. One that I need to explore more is how we as adopted children to God, push him away, wanting to do what I want to do. And all He really wants is to love me. The other thing that always comes to a head when I have babies is how selfish I am. May God redeem our hard times for His glory.

Very Special Girls

We have spent so much time with Gabe that it is sometimes easy to overlook or take for granted that we have two beautiful girls in the house as well. They have done admirably and really want to be helpers. This is a time of loss for them as well. They are losing some attention and connectivity to us while we as the parents do our best to have Gabriel attach to us. I hope that this time of change will make our family bonds stronger than ever before. The girls truly love their brother and his smiles show that that love is being reciprocated.

Fear the cow!

Cute right?

Well, let me back up a bit. Besides all the clothes and personal information that was packed for Gabe in his bag, there were also some personal effects. Toys, pictures, his hanbok. Normal things that you would expect to see for a Korean child. Under all that was, of all things, a toy cow. I could tell it was battery operated but couldn't figure out how to turn the thing on and therefore could not tell what kind of fun that the cow might provide.

Eventually, we fished around on his left arm and found the secret spot that turned this silly looking cow into ... well, you really have to see it to believe it.



Yes, thats right. Crazy, by Gnarles Barkley. No Moo. No funny song and dance for children.

Lauren and Addison want to push the cow button all the time but there is a strict one per day limit. Unfortunately, like the Pharoah in the Ten Commandments, I broke my own law to give you this fine video recording.

Another day, another loss

Last night Gabriel slept until 12:30. He didn't take very much milk, and despite using the same pattern we had, when I put him in bed, he just started screaming. Back to the drawing board. After holding and rocking him for about 1/2 hour, and giving him some Tylenol, he fell asleep enough to put him back into bed. I can say so far, when he is out, he is out. And then he slept until after 8 this morning.

Since he has been so fussy, and we don't know if it's his ears or if it's his grieving, we took him to the doctor today. It's not his ears, it's us. Or it could be teething. I think it's more likely his grieving. There are times I look at him when he is wailing, and I think, "If he could talk, he'd be saying, "Your not my mommy' and a few other choice words. Of course, maybe I've seen too many TV movies.

Addison got to go to Preschool and assist the teachers today. Then she went to her best friend, Kiersten's house. My neighbor offered to take Lauren to open gymnastics this afternoon. Lauren just loves Mrs. Bailey, but right as they were getting ready to leave, so broke down crying. She still wanted to go, and never said what was wrong, but my opinion is this is her way of grieving the changes in her life.

I should be off taking a nap, but I so crave the one moment in the day when it is quiet.

Crying, lots of crying

The sleepover has ended and the real work has begun. The beginning of the week Gabe was much less smiley, but still slept pretty good. On Tuesday he went to visit the doctor for a quick check up. Unfortunately our pediatrician is out of office for the next week, so we saw another physician. We were definitely not ready for what happened there.

Gabriel had been pulling at his ears, and with the long flight, we wanted his ears checked out. There was wax in both ears blocking the view for the doctor. He tried to use a tool to pull it out, but was not able to get at it. That in itself was hard, with Gabe crying and not wanting to be held still. Then we had to lay on him and hold him still on his side so they could put some medicine in his ear to break down the wax. After that was in for awhile, they filled this plastic pot of water, that was connected to a hose and tube, which was stuck in his ear, vibrating loudly, and they tried to flush the was out. What seemed like eternitly of this and him wailing (it may have been 10 minutes), they were able to look into both ears. Not sure how cleaning one ear got both ears clean, but I'll take it. Conclusion? The hardened wax had caused irritation in both ears, leading to an outer ear infection. And that's not all, both eardrums were red and bulging--and inner ear infection too.

Since then, getting him to sleep has gotten harder and harder. Gone are the days we could lay him in his crib and he would fall asleep. Now there is much walking, holding, swaying, back aching, crying, fussing, and more crying. On the positive, the longest it has taken is 40 minutes to get him to full sleep, he is starting to be able to play on his own for a short time, and he is starting to eat more. He is still pulling at his ears, so I'm not sure how the medicine is working, or if this is how he expresses himself when he is mad or tired. So many things to learn for all of us.

Gabriel is Home

What a difference 24 hours can make. Gabriel’s flight came in close to on time. We waited in baggage claim for him. I was sitting talking to our friend Jon, who was there with his wife Nicole to videotape and take pictures for us. Steve was by the arrival monitors. I looked down where the passengers would come through, and I saw a baby in blue and white and an Asian lady holding him. But the crowd kept getting in the way, so I kept moving around trying to see if it was Gabriel, and when I saw the flight attendant and Traveler’s Aide, I knew it was him! I called for Steve and we got to see our son for the first time. We were both an emotional mess, though it may not as shown as much on the outside. We were told that his escort spoke English, however we soon found out that she really didn’t. Trying to ask her when he last ate, came across to her as our offer to get her something to eat, so she kept saying no. I figured it was useless to try and ask when he slept. All she said was “good baby.” Finally Steve pointed to Gabriel and said something like eat, and she said “1/2 hour.” Of course, we didn’t know if he ate ½ hour ago, or if he needs to eat in ½ hour. So we hung around, let everyone hold him, changed him, attempted to feed him, and then finally started our journey home. The girls were SO excited. Addison wanted to wear a dress to dress up to see her brother. Lauren had the biggest grin on her face. They both wanted to hold him so much. I can hardly keep away from him. Steve and I were so emotionally drained, we were not sure how the ride home would be. He had yet to cry the whole time we were in the airport. I figured as soon as he was strapped into his car seat (which would have been his first time in a car seat), he would scream. But he didn’t. For the next half hour, he fussed, and then he fell asleep! He would wake every 5 minutes and fuss, then go back to sleep. Eventually that became 20 minute intervals. He slept like that until we were about 4 miles from home. When we got home, we tried to feed him again, but he still wouldn’t eat, even from his own bottles and his own formula. After about 30 minutes, and reading how he was put to sleep in Korea, we laid him in the crib beside our bed, and patted his back. He fussed. I decided to change into my PJ’s, and by the time I changed he was asleep on his own. Steve and I crawled into bed, and after about ½ hour, he woke and fussed. I stroked his back and fingers, as I had done in the van. Again, about every ½ hour he woke like this and fussed. Since he hadn’t ate much, mother guilt took over and I tried to feed him, with very little success. But he did seem to calm down and sleep in my arm, so we laid on the couch. And the rest of the night was him sleeping and waking every half hour. I was expecting worse, so it wasn’t too bad. Finally at 5:30 I needed to get a bit of sleep, so I put him in his crib, and when he fussed Steve took over the every ½ hour shifts. He finally took a bottle for Steve and ate about 5 ounces. I spent all night getting that in him. He is slowly starting to eat a little bit more. His first smile was to big sister Addison in the airport restroom as we were changing him. His first laugh was watching Daddy brush his teeth when we got home. He has laughed many times after for his big sister Addison.
I definitely think he is grieving, but of course it could be a combination of grieving, teething (he has 2 on bottom and one just starting on top), and jet lag. But so far we are doing well. I hope you enjoy our pictures so far. Please let me know if you want to continue to receive updates. We probably should create a blog. We also came home to a big surprise. Not only had our carpets in the bedrooms been cleaned (thank you Kelley!), but we had several gifts in his room with a lovely welcome home sign. We also had Cinnabon rolls on our counter for breakfast (oo, they were so yummy). What blessings! Thanks to you all for your prayers (I think they were definitely a gift from God), and please continue them if you can